A Daughter's Gain and The Ponderings of a Father ~ by Willie

In years gone by, Fall always stirred a certain romance within me. The cool air, the changing leaves yielding a stir within me of the hunts ahead. The frozen mornings on the sound greeting the sun as it broke the horizon, the fog ladened wood watching the doe..... waiting on the one to show himself proudly. These times when man and nature gently collide with one another. When the handiwork of the Creator could be observed without human stain.

But Fall has been reworked to stirs of a different sort as of late. Stirs that prone me to ponder the depths of sovereignty, grace, and an ultimate love between a Father and his child.

How is it possible to say that, " Lydia's death was something beautiful."? I realize many may scour at the statement, but you must understand the love story. You see, I never was her real Father. Biologically yes, but Spiritually no. We had the relationship most dads have with their daughters... she was the proverbial " apple of my eye" and I was her Dad. She is my girl and I love her deeply, BUT there is One who loves her perfectly and infinitely deeper than I do and Lydia was in love with Him and the place He resides..... Heaven.



Somewhere between Lydia's diagnosis and last October, which was a span of two years, Lydia developed a fascination with what Scripture refers to as Heaven. These obsessions would often yield a nervous churning of the stomach for her parents although looking back, I think He was preparing her. He was preparing her for a place she longed for that she had never been, a place that was her home and no other would ever satisfy. Most of all, He was preparing her for Himself.

In a blank paged book, Lydia once wrote
"Heaven is the most special to me.  Jesus is there."

No other statement was made... not that one needed to be.

How profound that she saw the ultimate love and longing for Heaven being the prize of Heaven.... the Lord Himself. She taught me so many things.

So this day, last October, Lydia met her Prince Charming face to face. He rescued her from a body of disease and a world cursed with sin. As I go back to that scene sitting by her bed, my wife on the other, the sun once again breaking the horizon, I ponder..... what was it like for her? What did she see? What happened in that few minutes or even seconds as she passed from life to life? We could assume a lot of things, but I think I could conclude that Lydia was ushered into Heaven by angels. After all, Jesus said that happened to the Lazarus of Luke 16:22

"The poor man died and was carried by the angels to Abraham's side." 

Was Lydia greeted by the angels of Matthew 18:10 just before they ushered her into the presence of her King?

"See that you do not despise one of these little ones.  For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven."

One's mind can only wonder if she was able to see me holding her sweet frame? Me weeping over her... mourning over her. In contrast,  was her reaction upon death, 

"Wow, I feel great... better than I've ever felt! 

My head doesn't hurt anymore. My thoughts are so clear. 

Who are you and who are you?" 

"We are the ones sent from the King to take 

you to your inheritance! He is waiting for you, precious daughter of the King. He has prepared a place for you... a place where He resides. He is exceedingly joyful at the thought of you coming Home today." 

In response she is filled with laughter...

"Yes, Yes, Yes!!!" But what about Mommy and Daddy... Luke and Sam? 

He is going to take care of them isn't He? 

I know He is... good bye guys, I love you all.... and I'll see you soon!"

As we left her earth clothes in bed waiting for the good doctor to come, my lovely warrior wife crawled into her bed to rest. I made some phone calls announcing the news. As I walked by her room, I noticed something different about her body.... something strange on her face. As I drew closer to my girl's body, it was there that I saw it. 

A smile... an unexplainable smile. Even the well-aged good doctor was perplexed.

One thing I know for sure, whether angels and Lydia's spiritual body lingered observing us or not, she soon entered the presence of the Lord. Paul said in his letter to the Corinthians in 2 Cor.5:8,

"We are of good courage, I say, and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord."

For Lydia, home was not here.

Not even close. 

For the believer, neither is ours. 

For Lydia, a Father's love for His creation was best of all.... 

far more than this Father could ever provide. 

I'm glad we share the same Father.

Reflecting on the Fall

I stare out the kitchen window this morning as I wait for the Keurig to produce another cup of coffee.  

The pale blue sky mingled with thin white clouds, the golden leaves clinging to trees, the warm autumn sun glimmering through the woods.... a small bird flies across this expanse and I think of the Wednesday morning one year ago when our Lydee-bird flew away to Heaven.

She had been sleeping since Sunday.

We had stayed up all Tuesday night, contemplating that her departure was near.

I think we finally drifted off around 5?
I'm not sure.

She drifted Home around 6:30am.

Her sweet cherub face etched with a simple smile.

The leaves fell as He lifted her to Heaven.  

And this is His will.  

And I fall into the Arms of Trust
knowing that He promises to work all of this together for good ~

 giving thanks in all things.  

The working together of all things to tell HIStory through our story.

This season will always echo 

the changing of my heart,

 the changing of the leaves,

the changing of our lives.  

But He never changes.

Every good gift and every perfect gift 

is from above,

coming down from the Father of lights

with whom there is no variation 

or shadow due to change.

James 1:17

Hold His gifts with open hands lifted to Him.

Cultivate a heart of thankfulness.

Grow in His love.

Cast Down, But Not Destroyed

It's been months since I last blogged.

I tried.

The words just didn't come.

Here's a clue... August was just plain hard.

The perfect storm swirled gathering strength from different facets of my life... difficulty sleeping, eating junk food, lack of exercising, neglect in Bible study and praying, negative thinking.  All of these coming together sucked me into the vortex of depression.

The thick dark cloud settled over me and didn't budge.

All of these coupled with the late summer being the time last year that Lydia's health was quickly declining sent me straight to the sofa.  I sat and simmered in my sadness.

I stayed, I wallowed.

I thought about how hard life is.

I thought about her.  How much I missed her.

I thought about how much I'm not particularly fond of this new life without her.  I wondered if this trial had changed me for the worst.

I thought so much about myself, overanalyzing myself that I could not fathom why anyone would want to be around this lump of MESS.



I isolated myself.

I mourned.  I marinated in the poison of self pity.

I could not get up.  I couldn't get out.  I didn't even know how to begin.

No one could do or say anything to make me FEEL better.

That's the problem, I was dwelling too much on how I felt.

I needed to dwell on what I know.

This is what I KNOW:

He promises to never leave me or forget me.

He promises that He will work all things together for good.

Thank you, Jesus.

When I gaze too intently on anything other than Him, 

my perception of everything is distorted.

My sweet Willie noticed that I was off kilter.

He bought a Wiersbe Bible study on 1 Peter.

On a weekend away to visit family he insisted I go for a run with him.

He encouraged his fainthearted wife.

The Lord has brought me through yet another stage of grief.

With each bout of intense sadness, there seems to be healing that takes place.

It is through each low point that I recognize my utter dependence on Him.

Even when I am not faithful to Him, He is faithful to me.

I pray during this season of remembering and missing our girl that I will bring glory to Him.

Lord, show me the way to do this.

Luke speaks of her often and his top bunk has become a secret stash of her things.  I love the way he treasures the memory of his big sister.  He speaks of Heaven like most children speak of Disney World.   I'm glad his ultimate is in a real place, not make-believe.  {But he'll gladly take anyone up on the offer to venture to Orlando☺.}  This trial continues to mold him as well.

Sam frequently asks to see pictures and watch videos of her.  

He loves to hear stories of his Lydia.  

He loves his sister through our memories.

I am learning, yet again, that my focus must be on Christ first.

My thoughts must be consumed with Him.

Anything else, even the memory of her or overanalyzing myself, is the making of a false idol.

Love the LORD your God 

with all your heart and

 with all your soul and 

with all your strength.

Deuteronomy 6:5

* Much heartfelt thanks to my sweet friend, Jamie, for snapping this pic.