Waiting. Again.

We've spent the past 6 months...

completing forms
gathering documents
applying for our passports
undergoing medical exams
getting bloodwork done
updating boys' vaccine records
writing autobiographies
writing letters
writing checks
taking pictures of our family & home (inside&out)
undergoing multiple interviews
educating ourselves through online training
attending workshops
reading adoption articles and blogs
hunting ladybugs
watching numerous youtube adoption videos
writing more checks
getting fingerprinted (twice)
preparing our home to meet "code"
starting to decorate her room
attempting to learn a little Mandarin
developing relationships
developing a relationship with our local Fedex office
praying for wisdom, guidance, and provision
celebrating birthdays (all 4 of us were born in the summer)
visiting with loved ones
homeschooling
and spending plenty of time at our neighborhood pool

Sam fell on his noggin 
and got a nice goose egg 
the night before our social worker came to do our home visit
AND Luke's ear drum ruptured
the night before our social worker
came to do our home visit.

Getting criminal record clearances and fingerprints

Luke and Sam getting shots

Having fun at the Asian Festival

              

         

 

                    

Ladybugs are considered the mascot of the Chinese adoption process.

Needless to say, the sight of a ladybug makes me smile!

Our dossier (i.e. humungous stack of papers that tell all about Willie and Stacey Byrd) will soon arrive in her homeland.  China officials will be logging us into their system and our family picture will hang on a special wall in our agency's office.  

We are now in the "Waiting Phase".
. . .  waiting for a referral, a match . . .
     waiting for our daughter-to-come 

All of this work we've done moves us closer to bringing Eden Lin home.

Yes, we've given her a name even though we haven't laid eyes on her sweet face.  It helps us prepare our hearts for this girl if we have a name to call her.  Her name isn't "set in stone", but we sure like it.
Why, you ask, "Eden Lin"?

"Eden" ~ Delight.  Paradise. The Garden of Eden.  

I can remember one day, a couple of weeks before Lydia went Home, I was giving her a bath.  She usually LOVED to take baths, especially if someone would sit and talk with her.  On this day though the bath simply wore her out.  I had pulled her from the warm water and sat her in a chair to dry her off.  She looked up at me, on the verge of tears, being frustrated with the process of her physical health deteriorating.  I asked her what was wrong.  She uttered, "I wish this world was perfect".  She fully understood that the reason she was sick was because sin sickness had entered this world a long time ago.  I think she knew her time on earth was ending and she wouldn't be with us much longer.  She longed for Eden.  It thrills me to know that she is now in the perfect place and could be walking through the Garden of Eden at this very moment.  Lydia frequently dreamed of having a sister.  And so, Lydia and Eden's lives are weaved together even though they won't meet on this side of heaven. Adoption is birthed in grief as a child has suffered the loss of family.  Perhaps the grief I've experienced will be a tool to help Eden Lin through her grief journey.  Perhaps having "Home" and "family" will bring a slice of heaven to our lil' China Byrd.  She will be a delight to us.

"Lin" ~ Forrest, trees; fine jade, gem.  ( She will certainly be a gem in our family tree!)

It has an Asian flair and actually its origins are traced back to China.  Plus, my middle name was Lynn before I became Mrs. Byrd.  So, she will have a bit of heritage from her momma and a hint of her homeland from the spelling.

{So, in case you were wondering how we decided on her name, there ya go! ;) }

All of our work is nothing compared to the work He's done in our hearts.  

He has grown us and shown us time and time again that 

all things work together for good.

He continues to heal us and prepare us for another homecoming.

I can remember

the phase of

waiting

for Lydia 

to depart

 for Home. 

                                   

(For a glimpse of this time in our lives, click on this link...http://byrdhousebyrdsnest.blogspot.com.au/2011/10/waiting-room.html)

Trying to savor moment and trust Him through it all, 

knowing that soon she would leave us.   

Remembering that His timing is perfect 

produces patience 

through life's intermissions.

My heart tenderly navigates this space in-between 

Lydia's departure and Eden Lin's arrival.

∾♡∾♡∾♡∾

Both of these girls hold special places in my momma-heart.

And now we wait again.

We wait for the arrival,

instead of the departure.

~ Savoring the present ~

~ Trusting in His perfect timing ~

~ Knowing He is always in control ~

But more than that, 
we're thankful for the One He sent.

The One who died that we may live and be with Him.

                          ~ Forever ~

But when the fullness of time had come, 

God sent forth his Son, 

born of woman, born under the law, 

to redeem those who were under the law, 

so that we might receive adoption as sons.  

And because you are sons, 

God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, 

crying, “Abba! Father!”  

So you are no longer a slave, 

but a son, 

and if a son, 

then an heir through God.

 Galations 4:4-7 

Seasoned

Today I heard Steven Curtis Chapman's song "Spring Is Coming" for the first time...how it blessed me!
He and his wife lost a 5 year old little girl in a tragic accident.  During some hard grieving he penned this song.

Listen for yourself.

(Scroll all the way to the very bottom of blog to turn off playlist.)

Lydia would pluck a bunch of weeds and carry them around like a wedding bouquet.
The girl loved flowers.

Her little heart bloomed with words and art that expressed her desire....

 And this winter her brother did this to express his love for Lydia...

The grass withers, the flower fades,

But the word of our God stands forever.

Isaiah 40:8

Her short life bursted forth with love for God and others.

Burying her sweet frame deep in the cold earth has been the hardest thing I've done thus far.

The winter season exemplifies the bitter cold grief of a broken momma-heart.

For everything there is a season,

and a time for every purpose under heaven

Ecclesiastes 3:1

The summer Lydia's health started deteriorating the fire of the trial burned hard on our nest.

Our little flower died in the fall.  It felt as though our world was falling apart.  All we knew to do was fall on our knees before Him.

 Then winter came, the season of intense grieving...

feeling buried under the heavy blanket of sadness and resting in Him alone.

All this time Jesus has been (and still is) working in the unseen chambers of my heart.

Perhaps the fracturing of my heart gives access to the depths of His love?  

Could it be that by the tear river I've cried He has watered the desert of my soul?  

Perhaps these fractures in my heart allow the Sonlight to penetrate unreached places?  

Oh, how I want the seed of His Word to fall on the soil of my heart and bloom a sweet flower that yields the unique fragrance of Him!

Behold, I am doing a new thing;

now it springs forth,

do you not perceive it?

I will make a way 

in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

Isaiah 43:19

Photo taken by Julie Faith Johnson

Quietness Broken ~ Ponderings Revealed

Yes,

It's been quite a while since I took the time to sit and jot my thoughts into the blog-o-sphere.


Here's a glimpse of what's been happening with the byrds in this nest...

Thanksgiving

Trick or Treating

Christmas

New Year's

Luke attempted to stay awake to welcome in 2013.

Celebrating their sister's birthday

Valentine's Day

       

.......Thanksgiving......Christmas....... Lydia's birthday........Valentine's Day.......
have all passed and I must admit that I was pleasantly surprised by the sweet joy the Lord gifted during these times.  I find my thoughts of her days bring a smile quicker than a tear.  My memory is flooded with the many ways the Lord used her life.

Her days were not wasted, nor were any stolen from her.  

Trusting in His Sovereign will for her life (and her momma's), 

means nothing happened that wasn't suppose to happen.  

Being rooted in this truth bears the sweet fruit of peace.  

I do not wish her to be back here with me; 

that would be contrary to His will.

She is HOME.

I'm still a pilgrim trodding this earthly soil.
And while I'm here, I want Him to continue to apply His truth to the pages of my days.

So teach us to number our days, 
That we may present to You 
a heart of wisdom.

Psalm 90:12

Looking back at what has happened in the past, what He has done,

 fortifies my trust in Him.

Looking forward to what He promises in Eternity through Jesus

 gives me hope.

Living in this moment, in light of the past and the future, 

gives me courage and strength.

There are reasons my heart has been silent on this blog.  

Many ponderings I wasn't quite ready to share.   




But, here goes....

A Brief Sharing of Our Hearts...

Since the beginning of our courtship and marriage Willie and I  have often conversed and dreamed of one day adopting.  We view children as God's blessings and consider it a privilege to love and teach them the most important life lesson ~ God's love for them and His provision for eternal life through His Son, Jesus Christ.

Lydia's life and death is a catalyst that has put our dream of adopting into action.  

Recognizing life is short, our days are numbered 

and we should embrace our calling to love "the least of these" 

and "live out true religion ~ 

taking care of the widows and the orphans".

Our hearts yearn to see our family grow through the adoption process.

God adopted us into His family through the sacrifice of His Son.
He poured His love into our hearts and we desire to pour out His love into the lives of children.

We have experienced the joy and honor of being the parents to biological children;
we yearn to experience the unique path of adding to our family through adoption.

We've never done this before.  

It's unchartered territory for us.  

It's scary.

We actually started filling out paper work February of last year, but I got cold feet and wasn't ready to step onto this path.  My tender, grieving heart wasn't ready for the rough road of adoption.  Wondering, if as grieving parents would we be rejected and looked at as "broken" and unsuitable?

It's been a year and God continues to bring adoption to our minds and hearts.  My heart is healing, though there will always be a scar.  Perhaps my understanding and experience of grief will be a blessing for an orphaned child who has experienced the loss of family.  I pray so.  Willie and I are so eager to provide Home and Family and Love to a little one.

It's time.

Willie and I will soon be submitting our application and hopefully be starting the home study process that begins this adoption journey.

I am so thankful that Lydia is Home, in her forever home with her Heavenly Father.

I am thankful the Lord allowed us to be her "home" during her earthly days.

There are children on earth who do not have a home, who do not have a family, who do not have love.

My heart breaks for them.

We covet your prayers for guidance and direction from our Heavenly Father
as we take the first step (which feels like a giant leap!),
onto this new and unknown path of adoption.

A Daughter's Gain and The Ponderings of a Father ~ by Willie

In years gone by, Fall always stirred a certain romance within me. The cool air, the changing leaves yielding a stir within me of the hunts ahead. The frozen mornings on the sound greeting the sun as it broke the horizon, the fog ladened wood watching the doe..... waiting on the one to show himself proudly. These times when man and nature gently collide with one another. When the handiwork of the Creator could be observed without human stain.

But Fall has been reworked to stirs of a different sort as of late. Stirs that prone me to ponder the depths of sovereignty, grace, and an ultimate love between a Father and his child.

How is it possible to say that, " Lydia's death was something beautiful."? I realize many may scour at the statement, but you must understand the love story. You see, I never was her real Father. Biologically yes, but Spiritually no. We had the relationship most dads have with their daughters... she was the proverbial " apple of my eye" and I was her Dad. She is my girl and I love her deeply, BUT there is One who loves her perfectly and infinitely deeper than I do and Lydia was in love with Him and the place He resides..... Heaven.



Somewhere between Lydia's diagnosis and last October, which was a span of two years, Lydia developed a fascination with what Scripture refers to as Heaven. These obsessions would often yield a nervous churning of the stomach for her parents although looking back, I think He was preparing her. He was preparing her for a place she longed for that she had never been, a place that was her home and no other would ever satisfy. Most of all, He was preparing her for Himself.

In a blank paged book, Lydia once wrote
"Heaven is the most special to me.  Jesus is there."

No other statement was made... not that one needed to be.

How profound that she saw the ultimate love and longing for Heaven being the prize of Heaven.... the Lord Himself. She taught me so many things.

So this day, last October, Lydia met her Prince Charming face to face. He rescued her from a body of disease and a world cursed with sin. As I go back to that scene sitting by her bed, my wife on the other, the sun once again breaking the horizon, I ponder..... what was it like for her? What did she see? What happened in that few minutes or even seconds as she passed from life to life? We could assume a lot of things, but I think I could conclude that Lydia was ushered into Heaven by angels. After all, Jesus said that happened to the Lazarus of Luke 16:22

"The poor man died and was carried by the angels to Abraham's side." 

Was Lydia greeted by the angels of Matthew 18:10 just before they ushered her into the presence of her King?

"See that you do not despise one of these little ones.  For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven."

One's mind can only wonder if she was able to see me holding her sweet frame? Me weeping over her... mourning over her. In contrast,  was her reaction upon death, 

"Wow, I feel great... better than I've ever felt! 

My head doesn't hurt anymore. My thoughts are so clear. 

Who are you and who are you?" 

"We are the ones sent from the King to take 

you to your inheritance! He is waiting for you, precious daughter of the King. He has prepared a place for you... a place where He resides. He is exceedingly joyful at the thought of you coming Home today." 

In response she is filled with laughter...

"Yes, Yes, Yes!!!" But what about Mommy and Daddy... Luke and Sam? 

He is going to take care of them isn't He? 

I know He is... good bye guys, I love you all.... and I'll see you soon!"

As we left her earth clothes in bed waiting for the good doctor to come, my lovely warrior wife crawled into her bed to rest. I made some phone calls announcing the news. As I walked by her room, I noticed something different about her body.... something strange on her face. As I drew closer to my girl's body, it was there that I saw it. 

A smile... an unexplainable smile. Even the well-aged good doctor was perplexed.

One thing I know for sure, whether angels and Lydia's spiritual body lingered observing us or not, she soon entered the presence of the Lord. Paul said in his letter to the Corinthians in 2 Cor.5:8,

"We are of good courage, I say, and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord."

For Lydia, home was not here.

Not even close. 

For the believer, neither is ours. 

For Lydia, a Father's love for His creation was best of all.... 

far more than this Father could ever provide. 

I'm glad we share the same Father.

Reflecting on the Fall

I stare out the kitchen window this morning as I wait for the Keurig to produce another cup of coffee.  

The pale blue sky mingled with thin white clouds, the golden leaves clinging to trees, the warm autumn sun glimmering through the woods.... a small bird flies across this expanse and I think of the Wednesday morning one year ago when our Lydee-bird flew away to Heaven.

She had been sleeping since Sunday.

We had stayed up all Tuesday night, contemplating that her departure was near.

I think we finally drifted off around 5?
I'm not sure.

She drifted Home around 6:30am.

Her sweet cherub face etched with a simple smile.

The leaves fell as He lifted her to Heaven.  

And this is His will.  

And I fall into the Arms of Trust
knowing that He promises to work all of this together for good ~

 giving thanks in all things.  

The working together of all things to tell HIStory through our story.

This season will always echo 

the changing of my heart,

 the changing of the leaves,

the changing of our lives.  

But He never changes.

Every good gift and every perfect gift 

is from above,

coming down from the Father of lights

with whom there is no variation 

or shadow due to change.

James 1:17

Hold His gifts with open hands lifted to Him.

Cultivate a heart of thankfulness.

Grow in His love.

Cast Down, But Not Destroyed

It's been months since I last blogged.

I tried.

The words just didn't come.

Here's a clue... August was just plain hard.

The perfect storm swirled gathering strength from different facets of my life... difficulty sleeping, eating junk food, lack of exercising, neglect in Bible study and praying, negative thinking.  All of these coming together sucked me into the vortex of depression.

The thick dark cloud settled over me and didn't budge.

All of these coupled with the late summer being the time last year that Lydia's health was quickly declining sent me straight to the sofa.  I sat and simmered in my sadness.

I stayed, I wallowed.

I thought about how hard life is.

I thought about her.  How much I missed her.

I thought about how much I'm not particularly fond of this new life without her.  I wondered if this trial had changed me for the worst.

I thought so much about myself, overanalyzing myself that I could not fathom why anyone would want to be around this lump of MESS.



I isolated myself.

I mourned.  I marinated in the poison of self pity.

I could not get up.  I couldn't get out.  I didn't even know how to begin.

No one could do or say anything to make me FEEL better.

That's the problem, I was dwelling too much on how I felt.

I needed to dwell on what I know.

This is what I KNOW:

He promises to never leave me or forget me.

He promises that He will work all things together for good.

Thank you, Jesus.

When I gaze too intently on anything other than Him, 

my perception of everything is distorted.

My sweet Willie noticed that I was off kilter.

He bought a Wiersbe Bible study on 1 Peter.

On a weekend away to visit family he insisted I go for a run with him.

He encouraged his fainthearted wife.

The Lord has brought me through yet another stage of grief.

With each bout of intense sadness, there seems to be healing that takes place.

It is through each low point that I recognize my utter dependence on Him.

Even when I am not faithful to Him, He is faithful to me.

I pray during this season of remembering and missing our girl that I will bring glory to Him.

Lord, show me the way to do this.

Luke speaks of her often and his top bunk has become a secret stash of her things.  I love the way he treasures the memory of his big sister.  He speaks of Heaven like most children speak of Disney World.   I'm glad his ultimate is in a real place, not make-believe.  {But he'll gladly take anyone up on the offer to venture to Orlando☺.}  This trial continues to mold him as well.

Sam frequently asks to see pictures and watch videos of her.  

He loves to hear stories of his Lydia.  

He loves his sister through our memories.

I am learning, yet again, that my focus must be on Christ first.

My thoughts must be consumed with Him.

Anything else, even the memory of her or overanalyzing myself, is the making of a false idol.

Love the LORD your God 

with all your heart and

 with all your soul and 

with all your strength.

Deuteronomy 6:5

* Much heartfelt thanks to my sweet friend, Jamie, for snapping this pic.