Cast Down, But Not Destroyed

It's been months since I last blogged.

I tried.

The words just didn't come.

Here's a clue... August was just plain hard.

The perfect storm swirled gathering strength from different facets of my life... difficulty sleeping, eating junk food, lack of exercising, neglect in Bible study and praying, negative thinking.  All of these coming together sucked me into the vortex of depression.

The thick dark cloud settled over me and didn't budge.

All of these coupled with the late summer being the time last year that Lydia's health was quickly declining sent me straight to the sofa.  I sat and simmered in my sadness.

I stayed, I wallowed.

I thought about how hard life is.

I thought about her.  How much I missed her.

I thought about how much I'm not particularly fond of this new life without her.  I wondered if this trial had changed me for the worst.

I thought so much about myself, overanalyzing myself that I could not fathom why anyone would want to be around this lump of MESS.



I isolated myself.

I mourned.  I marinated in the poison of self pity.

I could not get up.  I couldn't get out.  I didn't even know how to begin.

No one could do or say anything to make me FEEL better.

That's the problem, I was dwelling too much on how I felt.

I needed to dwell on what I know.

This is what I KNOW:

He promises to never leave me or forget me.

He promises that He will work all things together for good.

Thank you, Jesus.

When I gaze too intently on anything other than Him, 

my perception of everything is distorted.

My sweet Willie noticed that I was off kilter.

He bought a Wiersbe Bible study on 1 Peter.

On a weekend away to visit family he insisted I go for a run with him.

He encouraged his fainthearted wife.

The Lord has brought me through yet another stage of grief.

With each bout of intense sadness, there seems to be healing that takes place.

It is through each low point that I recognize my utter dependence on Him.

Even when I am not faithful to Him, He is faithful to me.

I pray during this season of remembering and missing our girl that I will bring glory to Him.

Lord, show me the way to do this.

Luke speaks of her often and his top bunk has become a secret stash of her things.  I love the way he treasures the memory of his big sister.  He speaks of Heaven like most children speak of Disney World.   I'm glad his ultimate is in a real place, not make-believe.  {But he'll gladly take anyone up on the offer to venture to Orlando☺.}  This trial continues to mold him as well.

Sam frequently asks to see pictures and watch videos of her.  

He loves to hear stories of his Lydia.  

He loves his sister through our memories.

I am learning, yet again, that my focus must be on Christ first.

My thoughts must be consumed with Him.

Anything else, even the memory of her or overanalyzing myself, is the making of a false idol.

Love the LORD your God 

with all your heart and

 with all your soul and 

with all your strength.

Deuteronomy 6:5

* Much heartfelt thanks to my sweet friend, Jamie, for snapping this pic.